wednesday june 18th

last monday, i spoke with david about CBT, and he said to go ahead and make a list of everything that made me feel good that day. i didn't do it on monday or tuesday, because usually i would do this sort of thing at night, and i stayed up with chris both nights. on monday night i woke up at 12:45 am on the mich house couch and realized both chris and i had fallen asleep watching futurama for about an hour. on tuesday night, mikey and chris came over and started watching a movie. mikee stopped it when he realized that both chris and i were asleep.

but today i am all alone here, and feeling a little bit depressed. pyschoanalysis: i think i am depressed because i have anxiety about my future and my past. i feel lonely and want sarah around (past), and i especially am worried about having a career and getting a job in this very difficult job market (future). it seems to be the same shit everyday.

cbt is about living in the moment according to david M: things that went well today.
i had a really nice breakfast yesterday morning-- a fried potato, a 5 white/2 yolk omlette, and a granny smith apple. this time, i slept in and didn't do so well. i had a lamb shank with pasta for breakfast. decadent! i had coffee and it didn't give me heartburn. yahoo! i read the op/ed with thomas friedman, maureen dowd (sucked), the banana guy that seems to be telling this banana story that crops up on NPR, slate.com, and now the NYT. I practiced a lot of piano. adam was there and he gave me a great technique for triplets/8th notes: 1-trip-a-let-2-trip-a-let ect. i actually do not understand where the whole day went... volunteering went mostly well although mary henson was in a major funk. i said to shana "that's a nice rack" by accident. i finished the work with jo-anns letter request. i have to get back into the flow with myr and Dr. Lerner. i also got to see kris which was good, although kind of boring. brandon seems to think he could get me a job at NSF. i should really suck up to them so that that can work out (although i like brandon a lot and he seems way cooler than when i first met him because i think he is more like kris now haha!) oh yeah, the moon was very nice today, and it was mild and not stuffy warm. the guineaus must have been happy today. i think that's it

tough tough day, and i've been really depressed through most of it. i started out this sunday morning waking up around 1:oo pm. I went to mich, ate, played some piano, then decided i needed to work on job application stuff. so i went downtown, fixed up my resume to have alison's address, and applied to two whole jobs (big deal!) before i was overwhelmed with depression. now i don't have this daily "project" that is taking buspirone every day at 4, so nothing to take my mind off how agonizing it is to apply for jobs.

I went home and watched the U.S. open, which was fun, but got frustrated with the other coopers (jose and anja yelled at me) and with my computer, which refused to let me swap drives. I stormed up to play piano, which didn't work at all at fixing my anger, so i went for a run. that really really helped. however, i felt so good on my run, that i went and visited sarah afterward to hopefully pet some cavies and feel good about life.

that turned into a catastrophe. I made sarah uncomfortable about her care for the pets, and then we got to talking about my depression. i should have just gracefully bowed out and gotten some food (i was very hungry), but for some reason, i was still there 2 hours later, starving, and arguing with her about jes pedroza, about medical school, and about feeling hopeless about how unhappy i was, and about the effectiveness of psychotherapy. I stormed off, and she slammed the door. i am terrified that i am not going to get to talk to her or to see the pets until the week before she leaves in a perfunctory but inadequate gesture of conciliation.

I told adam about our talk and he told me to look into cbt. he said "think of three things that made you happy today," and already i am thinking for ways around this excercise. Like to argue that the things that made me happy were ephemeral or inauthentic or pathetic pleasures that induce pity. but as i thought about the three things, i did feel happier. still, it doesn't cut to the core of my unhappiness, i told myself. i wonder how i will work around this negative attitude...

i took just 5mg today at about 4:15pm. i made mohammed drive me everywhere. it really kicked in around 5pm (i think... i guess there's the possibility i'm just faking this to myself)--- i felt woozy, everything slowed down. it feels kind of nice... and i could get used to this. however, i moved very slowly for fear of falling down or getting hurt. still, it wasn't the anxious stressed out fear that i usually have---- more of just i know i could faint, so be careful and be ready to brace yourself and lie down.

mohammed thought that i was freaking out because i walked so slowly everywhere, but i was just making a conscious effort not to exert myself. also, the prarie home companion was on the radio, so the whole ride home i sat silently and listen to garrison do guy noir. it must of seemed odd to M that i wasn't my normal chatty self.

kathleen called today and apparently left me a message which said 'i changed my mind... you should not take buspar anymore.' so i am going to have to go in around 8:30am on tuesday... yuk!

i have not felt depressed all day, although, again, i have not been alone very long. also, i have not job hunted, which is depressing and solitary work.

i gave sarah the guineau pigs back. yuk, i think that this empty corner of the apartment is going to start to really make me unhappy after a while. i need to get those fish

also, don't forget that mom called and you told her off, and you weren't depressed. nice work

you are doing well david. you are doing well.

friday 6/13

my first day on buspirone, and what a mess. I was having a great day--- i was productive, having applied for two jobs, and i also got alison's address and will apply for CA jobs as an orange county resident. alison agrees that i will appear to be more appealing as a local candidate.

i took the first 15mg dose of buSPAR at about 4pm. i went back to the coop and made a pizza and played video games. i noticed that my heart was beating fast during the intense battles, but that i wasn't really stressing about it. Perhaps this was the intended effect. i also noticed a sort of detached and relaxed feeling, very similar to being "buzzed" when you drink one alcoholic beverage on an empty stomach. you aren't drunk, you aren't even tipsy, but something subtle is going on and you can feel it. that's about how i felt, but that also could have been anticipatory and psychosomatic.

after that i went upstairs, felt dizzy and weak and decided i should go home. i had a minor panic when i suddenly felt really really bad and went out the front door. i made it about 10 metres and i collapsed on the sidewalk. I don't remember how long i was down, but drew eventually helped me up. i was soaked, i had skinned my knee and my hip and side ached, i went back to the coop and lied down. drew said "i was worried because you came down funny on your ankle." my ankle feels fine... this whole episode is horrible.

people say "what's the worst that can happen?" well the worst can happen, and its so fucking smug for people who glide through life to be flippant and condescending toward anxiousness. here i am taking drugs so that i can worry less, but its well and good to be worried. I am lucky i didn't give myself a concussion or knock my tooth out. damn

thursday night

i have yet to start on buspirone, but i told my therapist that i'd do it, and i told sarah i was starting, so there's no going back now. I resolve that I will start tomorrow.

i felt very good for most of the day, but i feel depressed and miserable right now. i managed to stay busy, and i exercised, although i haven't applied to any jobs. i have also not worked on GRE stuff for grad school, or med app stuff for med school. so an unproductive day, but plenty of piano, exercise, spent quality time with the natasha, psychologist, played an hour of SNG poker (low stakes) etc. sarah came home from her vacation and talked to me about the cavies. she lingered for a couple hours, rather than just picking up the keys. i noticed that she was lingering, and that she really enjoys chatting and spending time with me. this makes me depressed because we are not getting back together, but i get that companionship dangled in front of me for a couple hours.

i wonder if i can make it through a whole 24 hour cycle without feeling depressed. i really ALMOST made it today! maybe the buspirone will push me over the top. This blog is certainly helping, as i feel better as i put my mind to work writing.

i have looked up some information on BF skinner and cognitive behavior http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_anxiety_disorder says: According to psychologist B.F. Skinner, phobias are controlled by escape and avoidance behaviors. i wonder if this blog, if piano, and especially exercise... if these things constitute avoidance behavior because i am not letting my mind idle. i know that if i idle, i will feel depressed. so i intentionally and desperately fill my day with chores of any kind so that i can avoid feeling depressed.

i am alone and depressed, but I think my depression was seeping through before when i was not alone. i just had all these safety nets (mental escapes) with which to ignore it: sarah and my wonderful relationship, our beautiful apartment with the pets and the litany of chores, medical school admissions and this strange dream of reinventing myself was still hanging, trying to play poker reliably and professionally, warcraft III, and i also had cable TV to distract myself for hours at a time. now i have none of these things... i have stripped my life bare and all i have is NYtimes in the morning, piano in the afternoon, and chris meade in the evening. everything in-between is area where i have to figure out how to make myself happy. sometimes i win at the happy game, but usually i spiral back into depression at least for an episode. i have never made it all the way through the day without feeling despondent since sarah and i separated. but, again, i am getting close, and drugs are coming to the rescue.

now lets see if i can finally pay some better attention to lily bart and her troubles

thursday june 11th 2008

my name is david and i am depressed. i am going to start taking prescription medication to fight my disease. i am terrified at the idea of taking drugs, as i have used neither recreational nor therapeutic psychoactive drugs before (unless you count coffee and beer)

However, i want to be a doctor when i grow up. i would be a hypocrite (a 'Hippocratic hypocrite') if i prescribed medication for others that i refused on myself.

so let the experiment begin...