thursday night

i have yet to start on buspirone, but i told my therapist that i'd do it, and i told sarah i was starting, so there's no going back now. I resolve that I will start tomorrow.

i felt very good for most of the day, but i feel depressed and miserable right now. i managed to stay busy, and i exercised, although i haven't applied to any jobs. i have also not worked on GRE stuff for grad school, or med app stuff for med school. so an unproductive day, but plenty of piano, exercise, spent quality time with the natasha, psychologist, played an hour of SNG poker (low stakes) etc. sarah came home from her vacation and talked to me about the cavies. she lingered for a couple hours, rather than just picking up the keys. i noticed that she was lingering, and that she really enjoys chatting and spending time with me. this makes me depressed because we are not getting back together, but i get that companionship dangled in front of me for a couple hours.

i wonder if i can make it through a whole 24 hour cycle without feeling depressed. i really ALMOST made it today! maybe the buspirone will push me over the top. This blog is certainly helping, as i feel better as i put my mind to work writing.

i have looked up some information on BF skinner and cognitive behavior http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_anxiety_disorder says: According to psychologist B.F. Skinner, phobias are controlled by escape and avoidance behaviors. i wonder if this blog, if piano, and especially exercise... if these things constitute avoidance behavior because i am not letting my mind idle. i know that if i idle, i will feel depressed. so i intentionally and desperately fill my day with chores of any kind so that i can avoid feeling depressed.

i am alone and depressed, but I think my depression was seeping through before when i was not alone. i just had all these safety nets (mental escapes) with which to ignore it: sarah and my wonderful relationship, our beautiful apartment with the pets and the litany of chores, medical school admissions and this strange dream of reinventing myself was still hanging, trying to play poker reliably and professionally, warcraft III, and i also had cable TV to distract myself for hours at a time. now i have none of these things... i have stripped my life bare and all i have is NYtimes in the morning, piano in the afternoon, and chris meade in the evening. everything in-between is area where i have to figure out how to make myself happy. sometimes i win at the happy game, but usually i spiral back into depression at least for an episode. i have never made it all the way through the day without feeling despondent since sarah and i separated. but, again, i am getting close, and drugs are coming to the rescue.

now lets see if i can finally pay some better attention to lily bart and her troubles