tough tough day, and i've been really depressed through most of it. i started out this sunday morning waking up around 1:oo pm. I went to mich, ate, played some piano, then decided i needed to work on job application stuff. so i went downtown, fixed up my resume to have alison's address, and applied to two whole jobs (big deal!) before i was overwhelmed with depression. now i don't have this daily "project" that is taking buspirone every day at 4, so nothing to take my mind off how agonizing it is to apply for jobs.

I went home and watched the U.S. open, which was fun, but got frustrated with the other coopers (jose and anja yelled at me) and with my computer, which refused to let me swap drives. I stormed up to play piano, which didn't work at all at fixing my anger, so i went for a run. that really really helped. however, i felt so good on my run, that i went and visited sarah afterward to hopefully pet some cavies and feel good about life.

that turned into a catastrophe. I made sarah uncomfortable about her care for the pets, and then we got to talking about my depression. i should have just gracefully bowed out and gotten some food (i was very hungry), but for some reason, i was still there 2 hours later, starving, and arguing with her about jes pedroza, about medical school, and about feeling hopeless about how unhappy i was, and about the effectiveness of psychotherapy. I stormed off, and she slammed the door. i am terrified that i am not going to get to talk to her or to see the pets until the week before she leaves in a perfunctory but inadequate gesture of conciliation.

I told adam about our talk and he told me to look into cbt. he said "think of three things that made you happy today," and already i am thinking for ways around this excercise. Like to argue that the things that made me happy were ephemeral or inauthentic or pathetic pleasures that induce pity. but as i thought about the three things, i did feel happier. still, it doesn't cut to the core of my unhappiness, i told myself. i wonder how i will work around this negative attitude...