friday 6/13

my first day on buspirone, and what a mess. I was having a great day--- i was productive, having applied for two jobs, and i also got alison's address and will apply for CA jobs as an orange county resident. alison agrees that i will appear to be more appealing as a local candidate.

i took the first 15mg dose of buSPAR at about 4pm. i went back to the coop and made a pizza and played video games. i noticed that my heart was beating fast during the intense battles, but that i wasn't really stressing about it. Perhaps this was the intended effect. i also noticed a sort of detached and relaxed feeling, very similar to being "buzzed" when you drink one alcoholic beverage on an empty stomach. you aren't drunk, you aren't even tipsy, but something subtle is going on and you can feel it. that's about how i felt, but that also could have been anticipatory and psychosomatic.

after that i went upstairs, felt dizzy and weak and decided i should go home. i had a minor panic when i suddenly felt really really bad and went out the front door. i made it about 10 metres and i collapsed on the sidewalk. I don't remember how long i was down, but drew eventually helped me up. i was soaked, i had skinned my knee and my hip and side ached, i went back to the coop and lied down. drew said "i was worried because you came down funny on your ankle." my ankle feels fine... this whole episode is horrible.

people say "what's the worst that can happen?" well the worst can happen, and its so fucking smug for people who glide through life to be flippant and condescending toward anxiousness. here i am taking drugs so that i can worry less, but its well and good to be worried. I am lucky i didn't give myself a concussion or knock my tooth out. damn